Blood Diamond: Felicity Merriman's Side of the Sto
by darkchocolate76
Summary: Nothing can seem to go right for everyone's favorite American Girl. Felicity Merriman not only works two jobs  moonshining and working at the Dollar Tree , but she also has to deal with her crazy mom and Albino sister. Will she ever get a break...or love


Blood Diamond: Felicity Merriman's Side of the Story

**FATHER TIME**: (_turns_ _around, eyes bloodshot, trying to hide joint_) *cough* Oh, hey kids, didn't see you there. What's that you say? You want to hear a story? Okay. It's a book my father used to read to me when I was sick. And I used to read it to your father. It's got love, passion, adventure, betrayal, gay British soldiers, and most importantly Andy Camp's Hot Fries™ (for the hot fry in YOU!).

Scene: Felicity Merriman is sitting on a roof, eating a honey crisp apple (the expensive, imported, blood-red kind.) She is reading Dance of Seduction: Latin Legacy

(_Albino sister enters_)

**NAN**: Felicity, Mother wants you.

**FELICITY**: (_jumps off roof, LHR combat knife in hand, holding it up to Albino's neck_) That frigid bitch don't own me. Rot in hell you pale freak (spits in face). This is my one day off from Dollar Tree and you know how I get when I'm not working. Damn I love that place so much.

**NAN**: (calm) She said it was really important

**Father Time**: Felicity stares into albino's eyes, furiously contemplating whether to bust a cap in her ass or not. She gets over it and goes inside. Upon entering house, she sees her mom sitting on a flea infested couch watching Jerry Springer: I'm Sleeping with a Transvestite, and spitting chew into her favorite spittoon (covered in Indian designs: a relic from her brief time as a squaw with the Cherokee tribe)

**Mrs. Merriman**: You sure took your sweet ass time to get in here.

**Felicity**: (burp)

**Mrs. Merriman**: Best get ova there and make some of that moonshine before I sell you to a lonely man.

_(Felicity walks by, purposefully knocking the spittoon onto Mrs. Merriman's lap. Mrs. Merriman slurps spittle up and smiles._)

**Father Time**: After a hard afternoon making moonshine, Ben, the rugged, chiseled, town apprentice comes over for supper with a box of the finest Franzia his meager salary could afford.

**Ben**: Please let me in.

**Mrs. Merriman**: Take of your shirt and maybe we can talk.

**Ben**: But it's January

**Mrs. Merriman**: I like to get kissed before I get fucked. You know the rules. Make Momma happy and you'll get your dinner, and maybe a little "desert" afterwards (she is referring to sexual intercourse).

**Father Time**: Ben takes off shirt and enters the house. Mrs. Merriman rings a bell and her other 18 illegitimate children gather around the table for dinner. Once everybody is seated, Mrs. Merriman starts sexually harassing Ben.

**Mrs. Merriman**: Ben, when are you going to admit you want this body?

**Felicity**: Shut up, you fat hag. He need a young, fresh woman.

**Father Time**: Dinner continues with several arguments about the Stamp Act, raised taxation, and which rebel leader had the best butt. John Adams did. After much heated debate, Felicity helps her mom clear the table.

**Mrs. Merriman** : You need to go git some of dem lady lessons, so you can get married. Then you won't on my welfare check no mo'.

**Felicity:** I am classy as shit. The classiest lady in all Richmond. Why you obsessed with me? Also, I need to get more hours at the Dollar Tree. How the hell do you think we afford all those Andy Camp's Hot Fries™ (for the hot fry in YOU!). Damn I love that place, feels like home.

_Mrs. Merriman back hands her and retreats to eat Andy Camp's Hot Fries™ (for the hot fry in YOU!) Felicity storms out of the house where she finds Ben, whittling on a stump._

**Felicity**: Man my mom's a bitch. She ate all the Andy Camp's Hot Fries™ (for the hot fry in YOU!) and now she wants me to go to lady lessons. Dem bitches can't teach me nothing.

**Ben**: WE IS IN A WAR AND ALL YOU CARE ABOUT IS YOUR DUMB HOT FRIES. T.I.A Felicity. This Is America. Do you think those red coats care about your dancing lessons? In America, it's bling bling. But out here it's bling bang. Run away with me. I know your mom always thought she had the best ass, but yours is the only one I see. I will protect you from those flaming brits.

**Felicity**: One problem. Who gonna run the register at the Dollar Tree? I know those keys like they are my fingers. I don't think I could every leave that place. It's the only place I've felt safe…to be who I am.

**Ben**: Girl, didn't you hear. Dem redcoats burned that place to the ground this afternoon. All the Andy Camp's Hot Fries™ (for the hot fry in YOU!) are gone! I'll give you 5 minutes to say your sexy goodbyes. I mean it when I say sexy.

**Father Time**: (with Virginia Slim in hand) Ben and Felicity walk down to what's left of the Dollar Tree. Felicity is so overcome with her emotion, but the bitch is tough and doesn't cry. They start to run away towards Daytona Beach.

**Felicity** (to Ben): I never imagined a world without the Dollar Tree, but then I looked around and I realized…God left this place a long time ago.

**Father Time**: Ben and Felicity start run at a marathon pace to the shelter of the Florida Keys. After 3 days of no food, little water, intense bowel movements, and bad sex, they reached Florence SC, a hotbed for red coat activity. After 2 minutes in the town, they are caught by the British and tied to a tree.

**Felicity**: The world is falling apart and all we hear about is blowjob-gate.

**Ben**: (_cries_)

**Felicity**: (_gets shot in head; instantly dies_)

**Ben**: (_stops crying; confused_)

**Father Time**: General Cornwallis, a known red head hater, steps out from behind the tree, smiles at Ben, and slowly walks away.

**Ben**: (_throws up_)

**Father Time**: Ben, in a desperate attempt to escape the same fate, cries out for help. Literally out of nowhere, The Albino sister arrives with a first aid kit.

**Ben**: You come here with your laptop computers, your malaria medicine and your little bottles of hand sanitizer and think you can change the outcome, huh?

**Father Time**: The Albino, touched by his words, realizes the arrogance of her belief that she could help someone simply by providing a Spiderman band aid to a deep wound. Dear Reader, It's not always wise to approach helping without placing yourself in another's shoes. Empathy is the key to helping successfully. Not fancy technology or the latest textbook strategies. Without truly loving the person you are helping, you are just another brick in the wall the person must climb in their life journey. Also, no likes to step dog poop. Clean it up next time I come over. Where was I? Oh yeah, that creepy Albino. The Albino unties Ben and leads him to a getaway ship.

**Ben**: You didn't do me any favors untieing me from that tree. My hot woman died and now I have to look at your pale ass face (slowly rips out her front tooth).

**NAN**: (_Cries_)

**Ben**: You think I'm a demon, but that's only because I have lived in Hell.

**Father Time**: Ben turns away from the Albino and boards to the ship, headed to a new life. As he turns away, a little fart escapes his cheeks.

THE END


End file.
